Stepford is alive and well
So, I moved to California four years ago..holy cow! I have lived in the OC since I moved out here. I love it...beautiful, scenic, not as many silicone parts as L.A, but still home to the beautiful people and I have such envy of the houses out here. I mean, a one bedroom condo in a crappy pre-fab area goes for 400K.
Anyway, I moved a month ago (back into an apartment with my friend Elissa pictures here with the purple wig...we are friends not lesbians, we both like guys, so any takers, here we are!) and it was a nightmare. I was supposed to move from Rancho Santa Margarita (aka the gateway to hell) to Mission Viejo.
Well, my friends showed up on the morning of the move with the truck, and we loaded all my wordly belongnigs in by 10:00am. Yay! So, we get a call from the new apartment complex here's a synopsisi:
Apartement jerk: "Umm hi, I know you're supposed to move in right now and that your lease started at midnight, but we haven't changed the carpets yet."
elissa: Ok, well we've got the truck loaded and are on our way there.
Apartment jerk: " ok, I guess. It will only take an hour or so to change the carpets.
Elissa: "Whatever!" Slams the phone as much as you can on a cell.
So, we drive to the new place and when we get there the apartment leasing jackass says "Ummmm, I don't really want to let you see the place" So of course, we're like, "Oh it's on we are going there right now."
BTW, I had my dog with me because I though we were moving in.
So, we go to the apartment. We walk in and were overwhelmed with the kind of smell that would accompany most CSI episodes if they had smell-evision. Urine, feces, general nastiness. We walked in and I though "Oh my God, how will I live here it's disgusting???!!!!" My friend Erick pointed to a corner and said" Hey that's poop!!!" and then we all realized we were walking in cat litter.
We ran out in horror..not to mention that the carpets were stained black, as if the former occupant has thrown every bit of leftover drink, and food on the floor when he was done, and that he held his cats up in the air and rotated them around the carpet like a sprinkler when they had to pee or poop.
Man this is a lot to type.
So, we walked back out to the truck and a guy walks up to us and says "Hey, I've still got all my stuff in your garage, they are giving me a new garage today, so I'll be out in a few hours."
Okay, WTHell???? So, we are all talking about how horrible this is and how we can't possibly live there. My friends Jen and Matt offered me $100.00 per month not to move in. And Matt looks down at his legs and screams :"What's on us????!!!!"
Yupp, we were all infested with fleas. Including Trixie (my dog) she had them all over her, even running across her face!
So, I marched over to the office and said"You know how you have that 30-day satisfaction gauruntee? We're not satisified and we are not moving here!" The jackass leasing agent (We'll call her Heather cause that's her name), says "oh, even if we change the carpets?" I'm like screaming "HEATHER, WE ALL HAVE FLEAS AND SOMEONE IS IN OUR GARAGE. WE JUST WALKED THROUGH POO. HELL NO WE ARE NOT LIVING HERE. WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK NOW."
To which she replied: um we'll get you a check by Wednesday. Sorry...
to which I replied "HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF AND LOOK ME AS A PERSON IN THE EYE AND TRY TO THINK IT'S OK FOR YOU TO RENT THAT PLACE TO A HUMAN PERESON. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMDE AND FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I AM HOMELESS, THANKS A LOT!!!"
She kind of got teary which made me happy in a mean way.
So, i walked back over to the truck and saw the guy in the garage and it clicked that maybe he was the caveman who had been living in the apartment. So I asked him: "Did you live in number 88?" And he said (with no shame or hesitation) "Yup" and I said "You are a human, how can you live like that? I feel really sorry for your quality of life because residentially that is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen and WE ALL HAVE FLEAS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!
He then screamed at me "LOOK IN THE MIRROR" Say what,
So I went back to the truck and almost started crying but instead we started calling every apartment complex we could think of and asked if we could move in that day. finally we found one. Of course it's like $200.00 more than we expected to pay, but it's beautiful.
It's in a magical place called Ladera Ranch. Until I moved here, I always referred to this place as a cult. It is perfect. Perfect lawns, perfect people, perfect houses, perfect 2.2 kids and dogs per family, parks on every corner.
Anyway, I am now a happy resident of Stepford, CA. Whatever they pipe into the air here has affected my senses and I walk around with a big crazy grin and say "Hello, how are you?" to everyone I pass while walking Trixie. It's awesome.
STW We're suing the other apartment complex.
And the absolute kicker is that hte guy who was in the garage refused to move into the other apartment that they offered him because it has "a bad smell". For real...